Brian And I Went To A “Happiness Conference” And Here’s What We Learned…

I hadn’t been so enthusiastic about one thing in years. Image how an enormous superhero fan feels going to Comedian-Con or a soccer fan going to the Tremendous Bowl – I get an actual dopamine rush from the concept of spending two days at a convention all about philosophy, sociology, psychology, science, and sure, self-improvement. It’s self-indulgent, in fact, however I’ll take all of the issues in the case of deepening spiritually, changing into a greater chief/boss, a more healthy woman, a greater mother/spouse, or perhaps a extra grounded public determine (ha). I’m into all of it.  Brené Brown, Adam Grant, Dan Harris, Sam Harris, Armchair Skilled, Dr. Becky, and so forth. It’s a pastime that fills me up, particularly once I’m at my most drained. So immediately, if you’re prepared to decide on curiosity over judgment hold studying and I’ll stroll you thru what precisely a “happiness convention” entails. Right here we go… 

Once I noticed an commercial for the In Pursuit to Happiness convention, placed on by The Atlantic (my favourite journal that I learn cowl to cowl month-to-month), I instantly pitched it to Brian as a weekend away, at an superior lodge, for “work”. He stated sure, figuring that if nothing else he’d do analysis for the novel he’s writing and get doubtless alone time with me. In the midst of what was an already over-scheduled month what with my e book popping out and the farmhouse renovation blowing up, I cleared my calendar so we may go away our children and head off to Half Moon Bay for the Sunday – Tuesday “weekend.” After years of me speaking in Brian’s ear about this happiness science stuff he was truly actually , which made the entire endeavor so thrilling. 

Like something, there are a number of methods of this “Happiness Convention.” A extra pessimistic perspective is to shortly decide everybody who attended – the irony is nearly too apparent to say aloud, however I’ll, simply to convey you alongside the “journey” and get forward of what you could be pondering. Sure. It was a bunch of rich folks at The Ritz-Carlton, a cliffside lodge, holding $22 martinis, paying some huge cash to discover ways to be happier from different doubtless rich people with plenty of hyphenates throughout a time on this planet that may usually really feel something however pleased. Even scripting this after the week of insane information feels bizarre and gross, however a number of issues may be true on the similar time so I’ll proceed. When you had been to go to a health convention you’d get plenty of match folks studying the best way to be more healthy or educate about health, or a gardening convention would educate gardeners new methods to enhance their gardens. It’s the character of a convention – immersing your self in a singular topic with the objective to come back out extra knowledgeable on it. And it’s a privilege to be at any convention about “happiness” since you get to get away out of your life to give attention to one factor – both to raised your life, enterprise, or household. It’s particular for a purpose and so they need to be costly with the intention to pay the audio system/specialists for his or her time and canopy the manufacturing of the occasion. So if you’re judging the folks and the spirit of it – merely don’t go. It’s doubtless not for you – (or perhaps it’s for you:)). Perhaps learn this text as an alternative. It’s the latest one I’ve been sharing which may assist you to perceive the intent. In case you are turned off by self-improvement tradition I get that – however I feel that “turn-off” is extra concerning the folks, much less concerning the concepts which most have been round for hundreds of years or millennia. I get all of it, however with an open thoughts and interesting with folks with whom you join, I feel there may be common worth.

A extra open perspective (which is the one we took) is to be taught extra about the best way to navigate this life with extra goal and which means, much less pathologies, and for a few of us, take again data and instruments to our communities or our groups. Typically new philosophies are resisted at first, however the science behind happiness is so laborious to withstand or negate – it’s widespread sense, folded in with information and analysis however everyone knows is true. A convention on happiness has the intention of making extra of it, and that may be a good factor each personally and as a complete society.

In true Emily trend, I leaned into the spirit and the intent of the convention, embraced all of it, and LOVED IT. The primary evening was a meet and greet, everybody carrying their most interesting (do I gown cool? Skilled? Critical? What message do I wish to ship?), making an attempt to impress the unknown. We aren’t massive “networkers” however connecting with others on this setting is simply enjoyable and a part of the entire expertise so I compelled it and Brian adopted. You merely go as much as different folks in a bunch and say, “Hello. What brings you to this happiness convention?” With a little bit of a wink (and self-congratulatory irony in fact) and also you meet your convention buddies that develop into touchpoints for the following 2 days. I used to be shortly shocked by the group. We met an expert relationship coach, an property legal professional (a long-time reader! Hello Colleen!), plenty of govt coaches who gave me names of shamans in Oregon (forest bathing!), a podiatrist, and some VC traders. We even met a bunch of 70-year-old dads who’ve been finest buddies since they had been in kindergarten and are simply now exploring their interior life as a result of as typical cis-male-dominant-earners they hadn’t given themselves permission to dive in earlier than this. There have been enterprise leaders, entrepreneurs, and lots of people within the second half of their life who’ve realized that the happiness they had been promised by means of “success” fell quick. They learn Arthur C. Brooks’s e book, from Energy to Energy, and got here to satisfy him. 

Brian’s objective was to come back out of it with a great story, some anecdotes for his novel, and naturally, have some enjoyable (he’s very open to it and we each love social experiments). My objective was to be taught extra instruments to take again to my life and easily be a greater mother, enterprise proprietor, spouse, good friend, author, chief, and citizen. On the happiness scale I’m fairly good (born this manner), so I used to be simply hoping that Brian (extra of the skeptic) would give you methods to reframe and we’d have days and days of tales to inform, which we do. 

So listed below are the most important takeaways:

1. Sometimes happiness goes up and down all through life, with some quite common patterns (as you may see within the graph above). Peaking early may be laborious and the way you reply to that rise, and in my case stagnation, will have an effect on your happiness for the remainder of your life. Quite a lot of us, referred to as “strivers” succeed early and whereas that sounds superior, the strain to proceed to outdo our previous selves within the subject that we peaked in is daunting and as our brains age, it’s virtually unattainable. Many, like Darwin as an illustration, lived the final 30 years of his life despondent, not in a position to do the identical stage of analysis he achieved for his fame. He needed to finish his life as a result of he felt like a failure not with the ability to stay as much as his former self and the collective hype and fame. Arthur C. Brooks – the social scientist who based this convention – collected plenty of information from polling folks and a long time of analysis to empower folks to border the second half of their life in order that they will use their crystalized knowledge so as to add worth to the world, to show, empower, impart data. Those who do are wildly happier than those that chase their peak. 
2. “The important thing to happiness is to not have what you need, it’s to need what you have” – the Dalai Lama. Simply say that time and again – which isn’t all the time simple, however you get the final sentiment. Arthur C. Brooks informed this story concerning the Chinese language artwork of sculpture and the way they consider {that a} piece of artwork doesn’t begin from a clean canvas – reverse. It’s created by sculpting a block of jade, shedding what isn’t vital, peeling again layer after layering, chipping away on the stone to disclose what we actually are (and have all the time been) on the middle. Michelangelo stated the identical factor along with his David Sculpture. It’s all within us – we simply need to shed the layers, do much less, have much less, and want much less with the intention to discover it. He strengthened that America is without doubt one of the solely international locations the place it’s societally regular to gather and acquire and acquire, increasingly more and extra – in Buddhism they attempt to shed, scale back, and hone in order that by the top it’s simply the essential stuff. We’ve got plenty of re-programming to do.
3. Wait, what’s the essential stuff? Whereas that is comparatively widespread sense, Arthur C. Brooks has distilled it all the way down to 4 pillars – religion, household, neighborhood, and significant work (which he defines may be earned or is service-based). In his analysis (and sure, there are plenty of graphs) people who find themselves the “happiest” have prioritized these 4 issues. After all, my pure response to that’s “nicely, we stay in a capitalist society and the actual stressors of life for lots of the inhabitants embody needing to have the ability to feed themselves and sure, want cash.” Whereas everyone knows that wealth doesn’t equal happiness, we will all agree that having sufficient to be snug is a large a part of happiness, particularly in an enormous metropolis (which is without doubt one of the causes we left – in hopes of a inexpensive life, we may hustle much less and really feel extra snug long run). He goes into this extra in his e book (native right here and kindle right here) however all in all it’s actually laborious to argue with these 4 pillars.
4. Music. Everyone knows the emotional energy of music, however in a single seminar there was a scientist, Charles J. Limb, who confirmed us what it does to our brains that different languages or artwork varieties can’t. It wasn’t nearly self-expression, it was extra scientific and granular than that. It’s like your mind faucets right into a collective wave that makes us all really feel much less alone, extra related. Everyone knows this however being reminded how essential it’s to create music, not simply get pleasure from it, can rewire your mind and create new pathways that may be completely life-changing. I remembered once I went again to church a number of years in the past, singing with the 30 strangers within the congregation was at first so uncomfortable however as soon as we hit the refrain I used to be projecting aloud, I felt a stage of euphoria that I hadn’t in a very long time – to the purpose of weeping (a heavy dose of nostalgia was concerned). You don’t must play an instrument, all of us must sing extra. It’s like train – a pure anti-depressant. 
5. Large manufacturers can do cool issues. Titos (the vodka firm) was the underwriter for the convention which we thought was one other layer of irony as a result of there’s a extreme alcoholism downside in America. Excessive ingesting is fairly normalized and it’s definitely not making folks happier. However I’ll say this – when the Chief Joyologist spoke about their enterprise mannequin I choked up – water stuffed my eyes. They flipped the everyday enterprise triangle – placing folks and keenness on the prime and revenue on the backside. Bert Beveridge (you may’t write these things, I’m not joking) is seemingly a beautiful enterprise chief and one that places service on the forefront of their firm – main many month-to-month company-wide, nationwide service tasks in addition to giving their staff a “pleasure funds” for them to donate to the charities of their alternative each month. Brian and I had been each very, very impressed. When companies flip the script and provides a shit I feel perhaps I do wish to develop my enterprise, that there are good fashions on the market which have goal when different days the social media world makes me surprise what good rising would truly create. Perhaps I want to purchase a distillery:) 
6. The Creator Hour. Tara Nicholle Kirk, founding father of SoulTour spoke throughout one of many get away periods and I cherished her concrete suggestions. She calls it the “creator’s hour”. Each morning begins with a sitting (meditation), journaling away your “ughs” (I really like this), and some different steps adopted by transferring your physique. I’m very tempted to enroll myself and my group for her $97 21-day program.
7. “Encourage don’t require”. I LOVE it when a quite simple flip of a phrase can assist you method life in another way. That is nice in work and parenting – don’t “require” them to do one thing, as an alternative determine how one can encourage them to do it. Encourage means “fill with spirit” which I hadn’t actually considered earlier than. Now I’m not saying I’m going to attempt to encourage my children to unload the dishwasher with out complaining, I’m not a idiot, however in the case of tasks at work and even bigger household tasks, how can I create an area and talk in a means that helps everybody really feel impressed to satisfy the targets quite than have it a requirement? It’s a useful re-frame.  
8. Social media is now confirmed to be very detrimental for our happiness. The info is in people. It’s now not correlation/causation. The proof is that it has made us a lot much less pleased. When you don’t consider me please learn this text by Jonathan Haidt. This was an enormous subject on the convention, which I’ve already learn a ton about, however the takeaway is to be very, very cautious with our children.
9. Helicopter parenting and over-accommodating is doing an enormous disservice to our child’s future happiness – once more, that information is in. Brian went to a session with the creator Julie Lythcott-Haims who wrote Learn how to Elevate an Grownup (native right here and kindle right here) and he actually, actually cherished her. He wished she had spoken longer as a result of she was so insightful, partaking, and relatable. The thesis is that shielding our children from the stressors can create anxiousness and despair later as a result of their nervous system actually doesn’t know what to do with stress or negativity. The years particularly from 7-12 are meant for them to face challenges in a protected area, prepping them for maturity and thru helicoptering, they aren’t doing that. If you wish to know extra learn this e book (native right here and kindle right here) and this text. However the commonsense observe of that is to let our children confront and resolve each downside on their very own. Ask questions, assist, information when requested, encourage optimistic conduct and decisions – that’s it. I felt very validated in my non-supervisory method (keep in mind this publish?). Free reign parenting FTW! 

What I Would Do In a different way For Subsequent 12 months’s Happiness Convention?

Pay attention it’s their first yr doing this and we each thought it was tremendous nicely produced, organized, and general an ideal expertise. I met the COO, CEO, and most of the advertising folks at The Atlantic – of which I used to be pretty star struck – I’m not being hyperbolic once I say I learn it cowl to cowl month-to-month for years. The COO is a long-time reader (I haven’t felt that good since Melissa McCarthy stopped me on the road to inform me) and she or he requested me for my trustworthy suggestions. I needed time to assume and course of. In true Brené Brown trend, there must be an area between “stimuli” and “response” – it’s a method that appears like this: S (    ) R,  – you want the time within the center to course of one of the best response. So after two weeks, right here is mine: 

1. The convention itself had a little bit of an identification disaster – which lord is aware of I can perceive as somebody who doesn’t know if I’m an individual or a model. I feel it didn’t know if it needs to be self-help or science. I like each, however we had been there extra for the science/information and studying instruments to take again to our household, my firm, and also you. There have been some audio system who gave instruments and a few laborious information, however there have been additionally others that felt stuffed with platitudes and catchy headlines. Which is okay, but it surely felt like plenty of preaching to the choir – these of us already into these things sufficient to be at this convention doubtless know the baseline concepts round happiness so I personally needed extra instruments to implement, much less good retweets, and fewer soundbites. (There have been some that gave nice instruments – Lori Gottlieb, Arthur C. Brooks, Dacher Keltner, Gretchen Sharp – It needs to be famous many periods had been on the similar time so I couldn’t go to all of them). Additionally shout out to Jeffrey Goldberg (EIC of The Atlantic) for being humorous, heat, and asking actually pointed direct questions.
2. There wanted to be extra discuss spirituality and religion. One of many fundamental pillars of happiness, primarily based on Brooks’ analysis, is “religion” and but there was solely about 5% dialog about it. I feel it’s because liberals get scared to speak about faith for concern of being seen as conservative or Trumpy. Religion and spirituality don’t have a denomination or a political occasion. It actually simply means a transcendent relationship with the world, one another, the universe, a God, the planet, and so forth. It may be something, simply this connection to one thing greater. I can get tremendous woo woo and didn’t essentially need that for Brian, however even he was very, very eager about that side as a result of since I’ve tapped into that world 4 years in the past it’s shifted my perspective rather a lot. I’ve been happier/lighter and he needs to seek out the identical factor. So we had been disenchanted it wasn’t a bigger dialog, particularly as a result of I felt that the specialists related to The Atlantic would have carried out it in a means that felt non-indoctrinating. Arthur C. Brooks is a conservative Catholic which I frankly love – I’m so sick of my bubble and love the extra centrists views on the market. I want there have been extra of that. I really like that The Atlantic can body delicate subjects in a extra goal means so I’d like to know the way they’d method religion. 
3. Extra give again and repair elements. When you have got so many rich folks in a room I all the time really feel prefer it’s a missed alternative to create a bigger dialog round service (there have been two periods on it, to be honest). I additionally spoke to so many individuals there who had been extremely concerned in lots of charities or had give up their jobs to dedicate their lives to including extra worth to the world. And just like the Goop convention article, I’ve to remind myself that it’s not another person’s job to assist me be a great individual or to mitigate my guilt for being at a convention stuffed with doubtless privileged folks. That’s on you, Emily. But when I had been in control of it subsequent yr I’d A. Cost extra and provides a portion of the gross sales to a vetted charity – for me one thing children-related as a result of I’m all the time desirous to go upstream to forestall the issues. And B. Convey heads of non-profits to have the ability to community with all these wealthier people who’re right here to develop into happier folks which is very linked to service. Truly connecting with organizations that we can assist assist, seek the advice of for, or be on boards for can be superb. The scientific hyperlink between service and happiness is indeniable and one thing I actually wish to focus a few of my future on – so why not make {that a} greater element right here? 
4. Invite extra authorities officers, superintendents, or principals of colleges as friends. A lot of the info we all know exhibits us that “achievement testing” is totally misguided and fairly damaging. We have to change our instructional system, once more going extra upstream to assist the following era be much less obsessive about “extra” and achievement, however as an alternative fostering their self-worth by means of neighborhood service, self-reliance, teamwork, laborious work, and naturally, kindness. A convention has restricted capability, so subsequent time I’d like to see extra trade leaders within the public sector in order that they might convey it again to their group and alter/enhance their communities. 
5. Extra GREAT audio system with concrete takeaways – much less yelling into the echo chamber — I needed to listen to extra from Olga Khazan about how she modified her character in 3 months, and extra from Kate Julian about her parenting articles. Actually, extra parenting can be AWESOME. Brian requested that, too :). Lisa Osborne Ross spoke about altering her function from CEO to “Chief Empathy Officer” – which sounds nice, however I wish to know the way they construction their managerial system to scale “listening” in a means that’s each emotionally supportive and profitable for the enterprise. I’m studying on daily basis that parenting and working a enterprise/group are surprisingly comparable – you’ll want to be constant and type, set boundaries, be clear with expectations, after which enable autonomy, creativity, and individuality in a protected area for everybody to thrive. However I solely have 5 staff. I need extra instruments if I had been to develop my group once more to ensure it stays wholesome. I really like Brené Brown who provides actually nice instruments just like the 2-word check-in on daily basis. So if there are management seminars I’d love to listen to extra instruments, takeaways, learnings, examples of HR insurance policies, and so forth.

The Recap…

Brian and I had been so glad we went – Once more, I feel the expertise as a complete was extraordinarily well-produced and programmed. If you need an abridged model of the convention learn this text (it’s wonderful). I really feel like I’m the final print journal reader, however for those I really like I want to carry them in my palms, curl up for hours, and soak all of it in. If I can provide my fast endorsement for The Atlantic it might be this – this journal feels extra centrist and goal. They name out the liberal left rather a lot, not editorializing however simply stating and analyzing what all of us can observe if we open our eyes. Progressivism isn’t all the time progressive. Shouting into our echo chamber has develop into deafening and it’s essential to step out of our bubble and talk.

Whereas plenty of what we realized may be widespread sense, when it’s framed inside science-backed analysis and information it makes it really feel much more empowering. Extra of an “in the event you do that, you may really feel that” kind of factor and sure, you may argue about privilege which I completely agree with you. However privileged or not, reframing your life to give attention to the 4 pillars (household, religion, neighborhood, and significant work) can assist you align your life along with your values. I absolutely acknowledge the “simple so that you can say” retort, I’ve already stated it to myself, but it surely doesn’t change the philosophy of striving in direction of wanting what we’ve got, as an alternative of getting what we wish. It’s actually simply the fundamentals, earlier than life received so messy the final 100 years and we reached for exterior assist to unravel inner holes – many individuals, like my dad and mom, have been residing the 4 pillars their total lives and they’re fairly darn pleased. So this is probably not something new to a few of you (fortunate you:)) however for many people who don’t have these pillars locked in, looking for achievement, wealth, and “success” would possibly discover that it’s making it more durable to really feel enjoyment, contentment, and achievement (the place I used to be 3 years in the past). So if you’re eager about it belief me that studying these things can empower you to make easy (or laborious) selections which may have some optimistic outcomes main in direction of extra goal, which means, and sure, happiness.

Further Sources For These Of You

In case you are proof against self-help and wellness tradition, I hear you. I feel there’s a approach to nonetheless dabble with out going full “Goop” if it doesn’t all the time sit proper with you. I used to be glad that the convention was solely a day and a half of programming as a result of self-improvement/reflection can shortly go into self-indulgence and you may go away feeling gross. So if you’re nonetheless right here and curious under is a listing of articles or books that I’ve discovered useful or inspiring (I’m NOT making an attempt to indoctrinate anybody however in the event you’ve associated to me over time and have felt comparable emotions about life then hopefully you’ll belief that I’ll solely suggest stuff I’ve discovered useful and actionable):

Brené Brown – An actual favourite amongst these of us, particularly within the enterprise world. Podcast Dare to Lead and Unlocking Us (She simply took a 4-month artistic sabbatical btw – Go Brené!).
Dan Harris – 10% Happier (He’s the one which had a panic assault/nervous breakdown on stay TV as a information anchor after which completely modified his life).
Arthur C. Brooks – Harvard social scientist, podcaster, and creator who wrote From Energy to Energy (once more native right here and kindle right here) and is very nice for folks within the second half of their life.
Nice Good Science Middle – “Science-Based mostly Perception for a Significant Life”. We cherished them on the convention however haven’t listened to the podcast but.
Gretchen Rubin – I discovered her so relatable, beautiful, and informative.